The Wizard of Bon-Bon Land (The Musical!)
by notsosolemnly
Summary: In which Remus has a musical coma dream with parodies of songs from The Wizard of Oz and Wicked.
1. Love Potion Number 9

CHAPTER 1: LOVE POTION NUMBER 9

It was breakfast hour in the Great Hall. Clanky cutlery, yawns and chatter and so forth. James used one hand to stir in his latte and the other to read the news. Nothing that was of any great interest to him had happened. Some interesting findings had been made by wizard archaeologists in Australia, the living conditions at the St Mungos Asylum were still horrific and the ministry parties could still not agree on a budget but that was about it. Then sports. England was doing terribly in the flying carpet world cup as usual. Canada won gold medal in Air curling but everybody saw that coming. Then quidditch. Kenmare Kestrels had beaten the Liverpool Lanterns and made it to the national finals and experts were convinced they owed it to Darren O'Hare's fancy new _Defying Gravity 1939 _but O'Hare was still of the opinion that they owed it to women players not being able to focus in his presence. James put down the Prophet, overall pleased, and bit into his toast. Across from him Sirius was quietly scribbling digits in the latest puzzle fad: wizard's Sudoku, so absorbed he hadn't said a word all morning. Beside him sat Remus, slowly sinking in his chair and looking a little _too _awake because he had still not figured out how to realistically paint eyes on his eye lids. He woke up with a jerk when his head hit Sirius's shoulder, drew a book that had fallen to the floor during his brief slumber back to him and took up the fight against the fatigue.

"_Wingardium Leviosa!" _said Peter and swished his Bladdernut, 6 inches, troll wart. His quill vibrated. Finally he was starting to get results.

"Good morning!"

Cas had come over in the company of fellow classmate and cheer-witch Janine Spoon, who was poorly concealing a tiny flask of pink liquid fizzing with heart shaped bubbles inside her sleeve. Those flasks had been a common sight since they had covered Roofie Potion in class some weeks ago.

"Morning" Sirius replied after having had his puzzle magazine snatched from him, not seeming that interested in making conversations at the moment but having no other way to entertain himself anymore.

"Can I borrow this?" Cas asked, browsing.

"Sure"

But Sirius needed not fear Cas would finish his puzzles and start on blank ones because her interest was very brief.

"Ok I'm finished" Janine whispered in her ear and Cas decided she'd prefer to borrow the magazine again some other time and left. Sirius continued with the Sudoku. This inspired James to attempt to solve the crosswords in the Prophet and he picked it up again as well as a pen and browsed to the last page.

"What time is it?" Remus asked.

"8:15" James replied and cleverly jotted down that sand vessel was a synonym for hourglass and recalled the recently discovered ancient civilization that had worshipped hourglasses he had read about minutes ago when a shatter as well as a splosh interrupted his thoughts. The smell of waffles reached James's nose and when he looked over his paper he saw that Remus had his face in a puddle of tea and that his cup had fallen off the table upon being hit by said face.

"I forgot to tell him not to drink his tea" said Sirius, prodding Remus with his wand more roughly with each poke.

"I thought he totally saw that" said James, wrinkling his nose for the waffle smell from the spiked tea was truly intense. "Or at least… smelled the gum or whatever"

When prodding Remus in the ears and nose triggered no reflexes whatsoever, Sirius gave it up and backed his chair.

"Why, you just can't get enough of the hospital wing, can you?" he said and threw Remus over his back with ease. "I've never heard of anybody passing out from roofie potion before, and I was so looking forward to a drastic change in his usually uptight behaviour"

"Me too but I'm sure there's still hope" said James, also getting ready to leave. Class didn't start until fifteen minutes so they could still get antidote and make it on time and witness that drastic change in that usually uptight behaviour.


	2. Instant Coma's Gonna Get You

CHAPTER 2: INSTANT COMA'S GONNA GET YOU

It took Madam Pomfrey another fifteen minutes to analyze the blood samples she had taken from the still very unconscious Remus who lied on a bed looking as if he was staring very intensely at the ceiling with unnaturally blue eyes. Pomfrey came out from her office rattling a box of test tubes.

"Well, this should be interesting" she said and dropped a test tube in the box and picked up another one to wiggle.

"You mean the part where you inject the antidote and then the drastic change in the usually uptight behaviour that is sure to follow?" James asked. "Class just started"

"Then I'll be brief so you can go. The potion must have reacted with the lemon and put him in a coma. The antidote isn't compatible with his medicines so we will just have to wait for him to wake up on his own"

"How long will that take?" Sirius asked.

"Could take anything from an hour to forever. There's just no way of knowing. Now excuse me while I alert Professor McGonagall"

Just the fact that Madam Pomfrey didn't demand they go to class immediately did not bode well. She withdrew to her office without any more information, allowing them some time to process. It was difficult to take a coma very seriously considering James's only previous exposure to them had been through the day time soap opera _Spells &amp; Curses, _and people woke up from them on a daily basis on that show. The entire situation was so unusual and Sirius did not make it less unusual by whipping out his make-up case and painting Remus's comatose eyelids fuchsia.

"Yes, I, too, find this very upsetting" said James.

"It's not like he's dead" said Sirius.  
Covering the fake-eyes clearly required a very thick fuchsia coating, and so did the cheeks apparently.

"So why are you getting him ready for an open casket clown funeral?" James asked.

"_That _ was extremely tasteless! Besides" Sirius gestured at the otherwise empty room with the brush, "He could be floating around, spying, like the sneaky little werewolf he is. Well, try and stop me"

Finished with the cheeks Sirius proceeded to elect the tackiest of pink lipsticks from the vast selection of make-up items that fit inside his thin case.

"Is that what you think happens?" James asked. "That coma people 'float around'?"

"I don't know, I've just heard stories"  
"I've heard that some people dream during comas" said Peter.

But whether or not Remus was sneakily floating around or dreaming they had no way of knowing but they figured that while perhaps McGonagall would tolerate them showing up a little late this morning she would not tolerate them shirking the entire lesson and so they left, leaving the Hospital wing entirely empty save for Pomfrey for there was nobody floating around there.


	3. Headmaster And I

CHAPTER 3: HEADMASTER AND I

It was dark in the Great Hall when Remus woke up from his accidental nap. His face felt wet and he ripped a strip of paper from a roll to dry it with. He was alone in the Great Hall and the doors were shut. Was it already midnight? It felt like midnight. He had never slept for this long before and couldn't believe that nobody had tried to wake him up. How was he ever to explain him sleeping away an entire day again? But there was no point hanging around here any longer. He threaded his basket of books over one arm and picked up Bluebell from the floor with the other.

"How did you get here?" he asked the squishy lop-eared rabbit as he went to the doors and pushed them open.

It took a moment for the eyes to adjust to the world of vibrant colours behind the doors where the entrance hall normally was. Maybe he would have wondered where the Entrance Hall was had he not been looking out at some sort of candy town and been generally distracted by all the candy. Here houses were made of gingerbread, cotton candy reeked from the candy cane chimneys, pillaring as high as the great gum ball in the sky. He was clearly having that Hansel &amp; Gretel/Charlie And the Chocolate Factory dream again.

"Bluebell I don't think we're at Hogwarts anymore" he said when he had finally stepped over the threshold and when he looked back the doors were gone and behind him was only an endlessly long road of yellow bricks, leading far up the hills. Setting course towards the circular square further down seemed like a jolly idea, perhaps somebody there could tell him how to get back to Hogwarts and if the bricks were edible. A couple of steps into the new world and the gum ball in the sky came fluttering down before Remus's very nose, where it expanded until it burst. A very blonde Ravenclaw with a very pearly smile and a fairy wand stepped out of the gum squish and scraped some off his sapphire pumps.

"Yay, for it is Roy!" said Roy and bent over to pick up a piece of yellow brick that was in fact a piece of gum and stuck it in his mouth and shuddered. "Oh, that is minty"  
He breathed in Remus's face, who coughed from how minty the breath was.

"So" said Roy, steering Remus further down the square. "Are you a good Ravenclaw or a wicked Slytherin?"

"Neither" said Remus. "Why do you ask?"

Roy pointed with his wand at a wicked Slytherin with wet shoulders that lied limp as a dummy on the side of the road with his head in a large tea cup and his feet in sparkling, red pumps.

"Somebody dropped a cup of tea on the Wicked Wizard of Slytherin" Roy explained. "I thought perhaps it was you. Are you absolutely sure it wasn't you?"

"I'm not absolutely sure of anything"  
"Well, then perhaps it _was _you!" Roy laughed. "Sing, my little Munchies!"  
"Munchies?"

"This is Munchies Town! The Munchies live here!"  
The Munchies were various types of edible treats and they gathered together to dance and sing: _Ding dong the Wicked Snape is dead!  
_When they were finished with the song and dance number a trio of gum balls bounced their way forward.

"Now the Gum Ball Guild would like to extend their congratulations" said Roy and the center Gum Ball handed over a scroll to Remus and rolled away along with the others. It was just a useless piece of blank parchment but since it could still be used for scribbling and sketching he tossed it in the basket. Roy put his hands to his cheek, gawping.

"Look! Look!" he said and pointed with his fairy wand at Remus's feet.

"What? What?"

"The ruby slippers that were on Snape before are now on _your _feet!"

The red pumps had indeed unnoticeably replaced Remus's tattered old sneakers. He put down Bluebell and the basket and kicked up a leg.

"How did that happen and how do I get them off?" he asked, trying not to topple over, which was just more difficult in heels, as he struggled to pull off the new shoes but they were more stuck to his feet than his gum was to his cups. A loud crack from the darkening skies made him fall over. When he was up on his feet again he saw another wizard with green skin (which suggested he was wicked) and slick black hair scraping green gum off the soles of his boots with the shaft end of a broomstick.

"Whatever!" he said when he couldn't get it off. "Hand over the shoes!"

"I thought you said the Wicked Wizard of Slytherin was dead" whispered Remus to Roy.

"Yes, the Wicked Snape" Roy clarified. "This is the Wicked Reggie. He is very wicked. Or so he claims"

"I am _very, very _wicked!" said the Wicked Reggie, his frown turning upside down when he saw Bluebell. "What a cute rabbit! Can I pet it?"

That he could. Roy offered to hold his broomstick while he did so and returned it when the Wicked Reggie was finished shaking fur from his hands.

"Now then" said the Wicked Reggie, frowning again. "I'll have the shoes, please"  
"You can't have them" said Roy. "Remus has them now because he dropped a teacup on the Wicked Snape"  
"That's fine, I don't want them" said Remus, giving pulling the shoes off another go but they were just as stubborn as before.

"Yes you do because they are powerful" said Roy. "That's why the wicked Slytherins want them. You can't let them have them"

It was true. Remus literally couldn't to his growing frustration.

"So _you _dropped a teacup on my mentor?" asked the Wicked Reggie. "I'll get you, and your little rabbit too! Well… maybe not the rabbit. _Especially _the rabbit!"

The Wicked Reggie mounted his _Defying Gravity 1939_ and flew back into the dark clouds whence fort he came and then the sky started clearing up again.

"Fear not for the Wicked Reggie can't harm you while you have those shoes" said Roy.

Remus threaded the basket over his arm and picked up Bluebell.

"So, how do I get out of here?"

"Oh, I can't help you there. But the Headmaster can! Just follow the Gum Road to the Half-Moon City!"

"Ok, thanks"

"Not at all! Now, somebody with a basket full of books has to be smart. Perhaps you can help the Headmaster"

And Roy began to elaborate on that poorly in song:

(Melody: _Headmaster and I _from the musical _Wicked.)_

Roy:

_Many years he has waited_

_For a head like yours to appear_

_Why, I predict Headmaster_

_Will see the same as I do right here_

_My dear, my dear_

_I'll owl at once to Headmaster_

_Tell him of you in advance_

_With obsessions like yours, dear_

_There is a definite chance_

_That you will lose those shoes_

_If that's what you choose_

Roy disappeared himself with a flick of his fairy wand. Remus had hoped for more specifics but still this Headmaster sounded pretty awesome.

Remus:

_I'm not sure what just happened_

_If I actually understood_

_My habits I find_

_Are mocked all the time_

_All of a sudden they could_

_Help me meet Headmaster_

_And lose these shoes_

_Good bye, my shoes_

_When I meet Headmaster_

_And I will somehow_

_Then I meet Headmaster_

_And I've wanted to since- _since now!

_And with his Headmaster wisdom_

_He will know I'm not pernicious_

_Do you think Headmaster is- _dumb?

_Or like Munchies, so delicious?- _No!

_He'll say to me:_

"_I see what you truly are_

_A chap on whom I can rely"_

_And that's how we'll begin_

_Headmaster and I_

_Once I'm with Headmaster_

_Life will be a boon_

'_Cause when you're with Headmaster_

_No one calls you loon_

_No father is not there for you_

_No mother is insane_

_And he can get the pumps off you_

_And you can walk home without pain_

_And this stupid curse that I have inside_

_Maybe he can tell me why_

_When we are face to face_

_Headmaster and I_

_He'll break the pumps and he will say to me_

"_My powers are superior_

_Wouldn't a boy with such a bright mind_

_Want a matching interior?_

_And so just listen while I propose_

_That I lift from you your diagnose_

_Would it be all right by you_

_If I de-cursified you?"  
_

_And though of course that never occurred to me_

"_If you must" I'll reply_

_Oh what a pair we'll be_

_Headmaster and I_

_Yes what a pair we'll be_

_Headmaster and…_

_Impossible_

_Nothing will be impossible_

_And I just had a vision almost like a prophecy_

_I know, it sounds truly dotty_

_And true, the vision's spotty_

_But I swear one day I'll be_

_Off air ballooning from a square_

_But don't take it from me_

_And I'll stand there with Headmaster_

_In a basket with my pet_

_And I am fairly certain_

_I'll be so happy I expect_

_And so I will be for the rest of my life_

_And I'll want nothing else for some time_

_And I'll be out of here_

_This place is nice but kind of weird_

_And we will both take turns to steer_

_Headmaster and I_


	4. If I Only Had a Brain

CHAPTER 4: IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN

After walking hours in the Wicked Snape's ruby pumps in blazing summer Remus could well understand how they could turn anybody wicked. His feet hurt so much he was tempted to pull a Cinderella on them, be damned if his legs would fray at the end as a result, better his legs than his spiritual well-being. He even started to suspect that the Wicked Snape had smashed that teacup over his own head just to liberate himself from the oppression.

"Phew!" he said when he reached a crossing he found to be suitable for a break. He was surrounded by forests and grain fields. "Look, Bluebell, clover"

Patches of clover that Bluebell didn't seem to find remotely interesting grew by the grain field. It was probably best to just carry on, but since there were no sign posts Remus had no way of knowing how to get to Half-Moon City.

"Flip. Now which way do I go?"

"Some people go that way!" came a voice from behind.

Remus turned around but saw nothing except for endless fields of grain and a pretty realistic scarecrow; the only thing that gave away that it was a scarecrow was the overall sewn-together-by-Dr. Frankenstein look of it and the straw sticking out from under the robes, and also the fact that it was stuck to a pole in the corner of a grain field and was pointing forward with one arm. Remus didn't know why anybody would want a pointing scarecrow but thought that perhaps it was a way to attract crows. Then he thought that this was one counterproductive scarecrow, dropped the theorizing and turned to Bluebell.

"Did _you _say that?"  
But Bluebell kept sniffing yellow bricks and took no notice of him.

"That way is also good!" came the voice again and definitely not from Bluebell for his mouth had not moved.

Remus turned around again and tried to see if the farmer was somewhere in the grain field.

"I feel like I'm stuck in Alice In Wonderland" he said and looked up at the still scarecrow. "Hang on a minute. I could swear it was just pointing the other way"  
The scarecrow moved again, this time before Remus's very eyes, and next it was pointing over both shoulders.

"And some people go both ways, like me!" it said merrily, successfully scaring Remus a third time. "Hi, Alice"

"It's Dorothy" said Remus. "It's Remus"

"Can I call you Moony?"

"Alright. What should I call you?"

"Well, the farmer thinks I'm too silly. He wants me to be Not-Silly. But Not-Silly isn't a very good name, is it?"

"It's unique"

"Hm. I've never thought of it like that!"

"How do you do, Not-Silly?" Remus seized Not-Silly's straw-stuffed arm for a shake.

"Not well at all, you?" replied Not-Silly.

"Why do you say 'not well at all'?"

"Isn't it obvious? I'm stuck up here with a pole up my backside- not in a good way, mind you- and it's _so boring!"_

Not-Silly heaved a sigh of the most painful impatience.

"I can imagine that" said Remus. "Can't you think of a way to entertain yourself?"

"No I can't because I don't have a brain"  
"Oh dear! How do you talk without a brain?"

"Mostly with my mouth. Say, would you mind awfully getting me down from here?"

"Not at all"

Remus grabbed hold of the sides of Not-Silly and simply ripped him off the pole. Not-Silly landed on his stomach on the road and a hole with straw falling out gaped on his back. Remus rushed to stuff it back in.

"I sure hope the farmer won't catch you stuffing my backside" said Not-Silly cheekily and Remus whacked him over the head with his basket for being a pervert. Then when he had finished stuffing the scarecrow he helped him to his feet. Not-Silly smirked, as if he found seeing Remus in a forest with a basket threaded over one arm amusing for some reason and Remus threw the basket away because he took offence to being smirked at for some reason. He hoped dearly he wouldn't need the basket later.

"Well, I'm off to see the Headmaster" he said and turned to leave when Not-Silly held him back.

"The Headmaster? Do you think he could give me a brain?"

"I don't know. But what would you do with a brain?"

"What wouldn't I do?"

(Melody: _If I only had a brain _from _The Wizard of Oz.)_

Not-Silly:

_I would like to be the wisest_

_A doctor or a scientist_

_Preferably insane_

_And I'd cut nerves and tissue_

_And this wouldn't be an issue_

_If I only had a brain_

_I would pay my every sickle_

_For brains that are like pickles_

_For me to cut in strains_

Remus:

_You could research and study_

_For your brainless undead buddy_

_If you only had a brain_

Not-Silly:

_I've searched_

_Around church_

_Or rather, sent the crows_

_Certainly they found me lots of bodies gross_

_But why no brains, I ask. Who knows? _

_In labs I would pull the levers_

_Create mutated beavers_

_My wits would grant me fame_

_I could make zombie armies_

_Not a single one would harm me_

_If I only had a brain_

An attempted pirouette made Not-Silly lose balance and fall over, which was no wonder really considering he had been stuck to a pole all his life and also because he lacked both muscles and bones. He began to stuff straw back under his robes. Remus was very interested in this pervert eccentric's zombie project and would have loved to stay and hear more about it but he had a road to follow.

"Well, good luck" he said.

"Wait!" said Not-Silly and stuffed him quickly with the remains of the straw that he had lost during his song-and-dance number. "Can I come with you to the Headmaster?"

"I don't know" said Remus. "A supposedly wicked wizard is mad at me. You could get in trouble"

"Pfft, I'm not afraid of no wizard"

"So… You are afraid of a wizard?"

"Shut up" Not-Silly used Remus to pull himself back up. "I'm not afraid because I have no fear, and I won't try to manage because I don't care"  
"Well, since you put it in semi-rhyme… Of _course _you can come along and see the Headmaster!"

"Hooray we're off to see the Headmaster!"

Not-Silly nearly fell again from jumping for joy. The two locked arms and continued down the road merrily.

(Melody: _We're off to see the wizard _from _The Wizard of Oz.)_

Both:

_We're off to see Headmaster_

_The Wizard of Half-Moon City_

_We hear he is the master of masters, if a master there could be_

_If ever there a Headmaster could be_

_The Headmaster is one because you see_

_You see, you see, you see, you see, you see_

_The masterful things he does you see!_

_We're off to see Headmaster_

_The Wizard of Half-Moon City_


	5. Suit Of Armour Man

CHAPTER 5: SUIT-OF-ARMOUR MAN

Wild apple trees in masses started casting their shadows on the Gum Road after another hour or so of walking in hellishly hurtful heels.

"At least you _have _feet" said Not-Silly.

"You have feet too. Stuffed, squishy feet" said Remus when a branch of ripe, red apples snapped him in the face. When he attempted to pick one the branch snapped him again, this time more fiercely.

"Hands off these are our apples!" said the tree.

"Well they're probably full of worms anyway!" retorted Not-Silly.

The apple trees took such offence they started hurling apples, thereby forcing Remus and Not-Silly to run for protection, which they found further down the road near a lone cottage in overgrown grass behind a rusty old car that could not have seen a driver for decades.

"Straw isn't remotely squishy" said Not-Silly and bit into a slightly battered apple. "Gerroff! Could you…?"

Apparently Bluebell had finally discovered that Not-Silly was made of food. Remus picked him up so Not-Silly could have his not-squishy feet intact.

"Now that is odd" Remus said when he noticed a rusty suit of armour made of steel just a little further down the road among some tranquil apple trees. Then he saw beside it a sign that said 'Armour Maker' and figured the armour had been placed there for show. When Remus knocked on the armour it began to emit groaning sounds. Not-Silly put his ear to it.

"What's that? Boil me?"

"Oil me!" said Remus and looked around for an oilcan while Not-Silly interpreted some more unintelligible groans.

"The… oilcan… is… just… over…there…what…are…you…blind?"

The oilcan was indeed 'just over there', or in the grass beneath the sign specifically. Remus picked it up.

"Where do you want to be oiled first?" he asked and awaited interpretation.

Not-Silly put his ear to the armour again."Punch…me…in…the…head"

Because the armour had sharp spikes on his gladiator helmet, Remus did in fact not punch him in the head.

"Give it here" said Not-Silly and took the oilcan. "You could have just said mouth"

When the armour had been oiled in the mouth hinges he let out a deep sigh.

"Took you long enough"

"Can I call you Spikes?" asked Not-Silly.

"Only if I can call you Stuffing-Head"

"It's Not-Silly"

"Then it's Not-Spikes"  
Not-Silly oiled Not-Spikes's arms and legs so he could move.

"Better?" Remus asked.

"No" replied Not-Spikes.

"What's the problem?"

"I'll tell you, but first knock on my chest"

Since Not-Spikes had no spikes on his chest it was safe for Remus to knock there. Something rattled very irregularly.

"There's something very wrong with your heart" said Not-Silly.

"I'll say" said Not-Spikes. "I have the heart of a lion. Yes, while you two exchange lustful glances, literally the heart of a lion. I actually killed a lion to get it"

"Ok, good for you" said Not-Silly. "Was having the heart of a lion everything you dreamed it would be?"

"Not even close. I actually want the heart of a human but for some reason the hearts were missing in the graveyard"

"What would you do with the heart of a human?" Remus asked.

"What wouldn't I do?"

(Melody: _If I Only Had a Heart _from _The Wizard of Oz.)_

Not-Spikes:

_There is really no denying_

_I've a heart of a lion_

_And sure I feel the part_

_Although I am so daring_

_Maybe I'd also be caring_

_If I had another heart_

_With the heart like that of humans_

_Things would, and I'm assuming_

_Feel different for a start_

_I would run from all dangers_

_And not take sweets from strangers _

_If I had another heart_

_It is really_

_How I feel_

_How will I ever be_

_Noble to the very tee_

_If I've no fear, like a bear_

_Of course I can face a gorgon_

_With a feline organ_

_And it's probably smart_

_With the heart of a human_

_I'd fear the transplant looming_

_If I had another heart_

While Not-Spikes went on to dance awkwardly on the road, Not-Silly suggested they invite him on their Quest For Stuff. When Not-Spikes got stuck during a split from the rust they could ask him while he oiled himself.

"We're going to see the Headmaster and ask for stuff" said Not-Silly. "Why don't you come along and ask for dance lessons?"

"Or the heart of a human, whichever you prefer" said Remus.

"Or why not both?"

Not-Spikes rattled as he scrambled up again.

"That is tempting. But I'm afraid he will say no"  
"He mustn't, we've come such a long way!" said Remus.

"Well…ok!"

There was a loud crack and the Wicked Reggie appeared in a cloud of smoke on the moss covered cottage roof.

"'A long way'?" he cackled wickedly. "Howls of derisive laughter! You've only just started! And the two of you really shouldn't be helping Luppy there!"  
"It's Loopy" said Not-Silly.

"It's Dorothy" said Not-Spikes

"And _name calling _can _hurt!"  
_"You thought of it" said Not-Spikes. "And made it catch on"

"Silence!" yelled the Wicked Reggie. "Turn back or I'll… Why, I'll turn you into a broomstick! And I'll turn you into a chess piece!"

The Wicked Reggie began to hurl balls of fire at Not-Silly and disappeared while Remus and Not-Spikes rushed to put him out.

"What a twerp" said Not-Silly, blowing out fire on his arm.

"Sod that supposedly wicked wizard!" said Not-Spikes. "We'll help you get to Half-Moon City!"  
It was clearly time for a bonding group hug. After a good twenty minutes of hugging the company locked arms and continued skipping down the road that led further into the forest.

Everyone:

_We're off to see Headmaster…_


	6. Badgers And Ravens And Snakes Oh My!

CHAPTER 6: BADGERS AND RAVENS AND SNAKES OH MY!

The further into the forests the company followed the Gum Road the spookier and more antagonistic it seemed to become. Things breathed and growled behind rocks and tree stems shielded in shadows.

"Maybe we should turn back" said Remus, clutching Bluebell tightly.

"Rub it in, why don't you?" muttered Not-Spikes.

"Do you know if anything lurks here?"

"No, no, no. Just badgers and ravens and snakes, since I killed all the lions and tigers and bears"

"Badgers?"

"Crows?" Not-Silly clenched fists and looked around for crows.

"Ravens" said Not-Spikes. "And bears. I mean snakes"

"Badgers and ravens and snakes, oh my!" said the company together, locking arms and quickening their pace through the spooky forest, repeating the mantra to keep calm and thinking it kept the weirdos away when a chubby fellow in a badger costume leapt out of some rosehip bushes.

"Found you!" he said and put his fists in boxing position. "Fight me, then! Fight me you sissies!"  
But the boy in the badger costume was too intimidated by Not-Spikes and Not-Silly and decided quickly on to target Bluebell instead.

"Fight me then!"  
"Lay off Bluebell" said Remus.

"Oh alright"

The boy in the badger costume unzipped said costume and stepped out of it and he was thankfully wearing robes underneath.

"What has two thumbs and is a Hufflepuff? My name is Fletcher and I am a sissy for aforementioned reason. I'm great at finding things, 'though, you name it and I will find it! Well, unless finding it requires doing something scary"

Fletcher sat down on a rock and put his hands to his cheeks miserably. Not-Silly nudged Remus.

"Do you suppose the Headmaster can make him not a Hufflepuff?"

"I don't think so" said Remus. "What point would there be to his magic hat if people got to choose? Silly"

"I got to choose"

"_You _got to choose?"

"So maybe the Headmaster can't un-Hufflepuff Fletcher" said Not-Spikes. "But maybe he has a spine lying around that he isn't using that Fletcher can have"

"That would be just the thing I need!" said Fletcher. "I have searched the graves but all the spines are missing, weirdly enough!"

"So not such a great finder then" said Not-Silly.

"I'm not _done looking _and I just made progress, so _there!"_

(Melody: _If I Only Had the Nerve _from _The Wizard ofOz.)_

Fletcher:

_I am proud to be a badger_

_Have been since I was a tadger_

_I'm honest and benign_

_Surely I'd be much braver_

_Enjoy treasures of my labour_

_If I only had a spine_

_And you might call me yellow_

_I'm just a loyal fellow_

_That loves to seek and find_

_I'd be a brave spell-caster_

Not-Spikes

_I would flee every disaster_

Not-Silly:

_I would open up a pastor_

Remus:

_If Headmaster is a master who is kind_

Not-Silly:

_Then I'll get an extra brain_

Not-Spikes:

_A heart_

Remus:

_New shoes_

Fletcher:

_A spine_

The quartet locked arms and skipped merrily through the spooky forest.

Everyone:

_Oooohhh… We're off to see Headmaster…_


	7. Lazing On A Sunny Afternoon

CHAPTER 7: LAZING ON A SUNNY AFTERNOON

When it seemed like the endless road through the forest would never end it disappeared into a field of poppies red as jewels under the great gum ball in the sky. The majestic castle of Half-Moon City glistened on the other side of the meadow. That brain was as good as his, thought Not-Silly as he crossed the poppies with the others. They were half way through it when Remus said he needed a little nap and sunk down on his knees beside the already sleeping rabbit.

"You can't take a nap now we're so close!" said Not-Silly, trying to keep Remus upright but failing because he had straw where non-scarecrows had muscles and also because he began to feel increasingly tired himself. He attributed it to strange dark magic, 'though.

"I think I'll have one too" said Fletcher and stumbled over his own shoes and began to emit snores.

"Now what do we do?" asked Not-Spikes. "We're so very close and the supposedly wicked wizard is bound to be close"

"I'd carry him like a damsel but it's like this powerful dark magic has been cast upon the place, making him weigh like led although he looks like a leaf"

"It could be that you have straw where your muscles should be"

"You try it, then! You look strong enough for both, maybe you can take Fletch too"

Not-Spikes accepted the challenge and rattled over to Bluebell but failed to lift him.

"Ok I believe you"  
When Not-Silly and Not-Spikes could think of nothing else they started screaming for help at the top of their lungs, hoping somebody in the city would hear them and come over, but that only resulted in snow fall.

"Maybe one of us should just go to Half-Moon City and ask for help" suggested Not-Spikes.

"You do it, you need to keep moving so you don't rust from the snow" said Not-Silly.

But there was no need for any of them to go and seek help in Half-Moon City because both Remus and Fletcher and even Bluebell showed signs of waking up.

"Oh I was having the most wonderful dream" said Remus and stretched. "None of you were in it"

"Who were in it?" asked Not-Silly.

"Look!" said Fletcher, already up and jumping. "The Gum Road!"

The yellow road on the other side of the poppy field winded like a yellow tile serpent to the shiny doors of Half-Moon City. The company continued over the flowers and under the snowfall, more energized than ever.


	8. Makeover

CHAPTER 8: MAKEOVER

An enormous golden tassel hung before the shiny doors to Half-Moon City. Fletcher thought it looked valuable and pondered stealing it as well as the moonstone knocker on the door. The quartet grabbed hold of the tassel together on Not-Spike's initiative and gave it a firm tug. A large bell chimed above them. A frumpy looking witch with square glasses and a green hat poked her head through a flap in the door.

"Can't you read?" she asked.

"Read what?" asked Not-Spikes.

The frumpy witch looked above her and below her and to her sides.

"One moment" she said and retracted her head through the flap for an exact moment and returned with a large sign that said: knocker out of order. Please ring door bell. She hung it on the door knob and closed the flap door. The quartet shrugged and pulled the tassel again.

"That's better" said the frumpy witch, again sticking her head through the flap. "I'm rather busy. What do you want?"

"We want to see the Headmaster" said Remus.

"The Headmaster? No"  
"Why not?"

"Nobody has seen the Headmaster! Not even I have seen the Headmaster!"

"So how come you know there is a Headmaster?"

"Because I leave trays of food outside his office"  
"'Cause you're a woman…" mumbled Not-Silly. The frumpy witch zipped his mouth with a single finger wiggle.

"But Frump Witch-" said Not-Spikes but was cut off.

"That's _Professor _to you!" said the witch that wished to be called Professor.

"We've come such a long way and he's been walking in women's shoes and everything just because a Ravenclaw made him" finished Not-Spikes.

The Professor looked down at Remus's sparkly pumps.

"By Jove!" said the Professor, looking over her rims as if to make sure her lenses weren't playing tricks on her. "Why didn't you say so? Come in, come in!"

The Professor closed the flap and locked it and met the visitors at the opened doors shortly after. She led them across a large hall full of merry people acting merry and told them to not be so insufferably merry.

"You all need a bit of tidying up after your long journey" she said as she ushered the quartet into a room that seemed to function as a hair salon and massage parlour. Fletcher would have felt immensely uncomfortable had he not been met by an army of leggy witches in frilly hair and kimonos.

"Macs!" he gasped.

"These are Geisha Ghouls" explained the Professor. "They take the shape of the object of your desires. Usually a person but I suppose it's possible to see hamburgers, live and let live I always say"  
Fletcher watched with envy a pair of Macs lift Not-Silly onto a bench and stuff him with fresh straw and sew his holes together and another pair already rubbing oil over Not-Spike. A third pair tried to drape Remus in a hairdressing cape but he shoved them away and not too lightly either.

"So how do you kill them already?" he asked. Not-Silly unzipped his mouth to call him hopeless.

"Nobody has figured out a way because nobody in their right mind would want to" said the Professor. Fletcher found it a little weird to see a fourth pair escort her out of the room, weird in a way he couldn't decide was good or bad. Finally it was his time to be served.

"How about a bath?" asked a Mac.

"In a vault full of coins?" asked Fletcher.

It took the combined strength of six Geisha Ghouls to push the screaming Fletcher into a bathtub and then keep him from trying to escape while he was sponged and got ladder in his eyes. Not-Silly unzipped his mouth again to call him hopeless. When the intrusive ghouls with the hairdressing cape wouldn't leave Remus alone he retorted with just trapping them in giant gum balls. Thoroughly stuffed, Not-Silly rolled off the bench.

"Moony" he said. "Now that we're mates I've decided you need a make-over"  
"I don't want one" said Remus.

"I know but I'm nice and I have what I need right here, so…"

(Melody: _Popular _from _Wicked.)_

Not-Silly:

_Whenever I see someone that dresses worse than I_

_And let's face it, who doesn't dress so much worse than I?_

_My tender eyes tend to start to burn_

_And when someone needs a new outfit_

_I simply must take care of it_

_I know, I know just what you need to learn_

_And even in your case_

_Though you have wardrobes I've yet dare to face_

_Don't worry, you will be close to perfect_

_Believe in it_

_And bit by bit_

_You will get_

_Makeover_

_You will get a makeover_

_It is time to lose the tent and get confident_

_You don't want to look a rag_

_The shoes you wear look like hell_

_Your hair needs some gel_

_So you don't look like a bag_

_You need makeover_

_I'll help you with makeover_

_You'll see there are decent brands_

_At the second hands_

_Now the circus thinks you're ill_

_So let's start_

'_Cause I've got an awfully lot of time to kill_

_I know you think that I only exaggerate_

_That I'm vain but I don't really care at any rate_

_Now that I've chosen to become your mate, I think I can be honest_

_Your patches are the darnest_

_But when it comes to makeovers_

_I know about makeovers_

_And it really can be done_

_And it will be fun_

_To see you not be who you are- _or "were"

_There's nothing that can stop me_

_From giving a makeover- _"were"

_La la, la la_

_You're gonna get a makeover_

_I know, the poor are unable_

_To afford expensive labels_

_I remind them on their own behalf_

_To think of_

_Other ways to pennies save and_

_Without dressing like a table_

_Does grey cost less than purple_

_Don't make me laugh, ha ha_

_Just like makeovers, please_

_It's free like this makeover_

_It's how you prioritize_

_And wear the right size_

_Think of that and you will see_

_You won't need more makeovers_

_From me_

Fletcher saw a horde of Macs shove Remus inside a fitting room and when he came out again he was so un-poofily dressed it was kind of surreal.

"Oh look at you" said Not-Silly. "You're even thinner than I thought"

"This is awkward I'm changing back" said Remus and went back inside the fitting room.

"You're welcome"

_And though you deny_

_That you'd like to try_

_I know internally_

_You did appreciate it_

_At least to a small degree_

_La la, la la_

_What a makeover_

_You won't need more makeovers_

_From me!_

"Maybe we should just get on with our quest for stuff now" said Not-Spikes when Remus had changed back after that unwanted makeover, understandably offended because who wouldn't be offended by getting make-over advice from a scarecrow?

With no clue of where the Professor had gone there was nowhere else to go except back to the entrance hall outside the service parlour. The merry people literally jumped out of their comfortable shoes when thunder roared and rushed barefoot to the massive windows.

"What's that up there?" asked Fletcher, pointing at a circling silhouette in the sky. The silhouette appeared to be spelling out a message in black smoke.

"'_Surrender Loppy'_" Fletcher shook a fist at the words. "It's _Bluebell!"  
_The strange message stirred panic in the people of Half-Moon City and they flocked around the Professor who had emerged through a pair of doors behind them.

"Calm down" she said. "Everything is under control. Why don't you go home for I am very busy with meddling in people's romantic business"  
"When can we see the Headmaster?" asked Remus, pushing through the crowd.

"Never"  
"But the shoes" said Not-Silly.

"Headmaster says fuck off he's busy!"

The doors closed, the panic subsided and the crowd broke up. It was clear to Fletcher he was not going to get that spine after all.

"Looks like we came for nothing" said Not-Spikes.

Remus went to sit down on the stairs leading down to the exit and stroked Bluebell over the ears.

"Why did I ever wish to get away from it all?" he said, blinking away some tears. "Now who's going to visit my mum at the asylum?"

He buried his face in Bluebell's soft coating.

"There, there" tried Not-Silly uncertainly.

Fletcher heard the doors squeak behind him and turned around. The Professor had stuck her head through a flap in the door. Apparently all massive doors in Half-Moon City had head flaps.

"Stop that!" she said, blowing her nose in a handkerchief. "Stop the sniffling I said! Ok, fine! I'll get you in somehow!"

The Professor waved for them to come and led them through a long corridor and left them alone with a large head with a beard to the floor hovering mid air in a large, dark room. A disembodied head bode well, Fletcher thought, that meant the possibility for other disembodied body parts, but he was still a little afraid of it.

"So, what's so important I have to send Minerva to meddle in people's romantic businesses for me?" asked the Headmaster.

The Headmaster listened while Remus explained their errand.

"Alright. I'll get you the stuff you want, since you've come such a long way" he said. "But first you must prove yourself worthy. You must get me the broomstick of the Wicked Reggie"  
"What do you need it for?" asked Remus.

"Well since nobody can come and see me I have to do my own sweeping"

"But we could get killed trying to kill him!" objected Fletcher.

"Would some other broomstick do?" asked Not-Spikes.

"It would but there is only one broomstick in all of Bon-Bon Land and the Wicked Reggie has it" said the Headmaster.

"A hoover, then?" suggested Not-Silly.

"I don't have a socket. Earwax?"  
A servant came forth with a bowl of ears and cotton swabs.

"No thank you" said Not-Spikes.

The servant disappeared through the mysterious curtains whence forth he came.

"I have spoken" said the Headmaster. A massive invisible force hit Fletcher in the stomach and sent him and the other three flying backwards through the corridor and through the doors.


	9. They're Coming To Take Me Away Ha Ha

CHAPTER 9: THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY HA HA

Signposts with withered print warned about great dangers further down the gum road. It was quickly getting dark. The Wizard Tower was near according to a withered sign post and it was correct; Remus could see it on a high cliff far beyond the forest and it felt so near in spite of being so far away and he truly dreaded having to climb those rocks in his heels and wondered if it would be easier if he just cut them off but if it would make walking less painful it was probably not doable, for such was the Force of No Easy Solutions, or FONES for short.

"I know you guys are _so edgy _and don't care about danger" said Fletcher. "But if you had just let me pick directions at crossings we would probably all be having tea right now"  
"The tower is just over there" said Not-Spikes.

"Yes and the vampires are just over there and the wendigos are just over there according to that sign that is just over there"

"When in doubt: kill it with fire"

"I'm in a good mood of taking my own route while you stay and kill things with fire and then we'll see who gets to the tower first"

"Go then, no one's stopping you" said Not-Silly.

"Maybe I will!"

"Do it, then"

Something was moving fast and against the wind up in the sky and Remus could not figure out what it was. He was already being lifted off the ground when he saw that they were winged house elves. Being brought to the tower in this fashion felt like bliss on his aching feet and he hoped the elves wouldn't rush it.

"Thanks very much" he said when he had been dropped off inside the tower. Bluebell was also dropped off shortly after.

"I just kidnapped you!" said Reggie and sneered. "So nice of you to visit me… I don't have many visitors, being wicked as I am…"

He looked down at his feet, a little morose.

"Any time" said Remus, taking some discrete steps towards Bluebell who sat among books and scrolls on a large table by the open window. Reggie picked up an empty cauldron and trapped the rabbit under it. Then he sent Remus flying across the room.

"Can't you leave Bluebell out of this?" he asked, his back really hurting after having hit a wall.

"You can have Bluebell when I have the slippers" said Reggie.

"I want to give them to you but I can't get them off. They're stuck"

Remus tried to pull the slippers off just to show it could really not be done. Reggie put down his broomstick and attempted to pull of the shoes, but some strange powerful force just electro-shocked his gloved hands. The cauldron toppled over on the desk, sending an hour glass rolling dangerously close to the edge, and Bluebell hopped up on the window sill and out through the window. A horde of flying house elves flew after it.

"Whatever!" said Reggie. "I have you and now the question is: how do I get the shoes?"

Searching the room for answers his eyes eventually fell upon the hourglass and he went to fetch it. The white sand sparkled in the dim torch light.

"Of course" he said and looked out the window. "This is how long you have"  
"How long I have what?"  
"How long you have! The ruby slippers are sure to fall off your feet! I mean, I'd kill you already if I could be bothered, but I can't. Be bothered, that is, but I could kill you"

But Remus did still not understand.

"How long I have what?"

Reggie placed the hourglass on the desk and cackled as the first few grains of sand ran to the bottom vessel. Then he mounted his broomstick and flew out the window, closing the flaps after him of course, and locking them well.


	10. Great Balls of Fire

CHAPTER 10: GREAT BALLS OF FIRE

A train of guards armed with spears marched outside the entrance to the tower. Not-Spikes watched their synchronized steps near the portcullis, trying to decide between a heart and dance lessons lest the Headmaster would only be willing to grant one wish per person.

"They could have taken us too, there were a lot of flying house elves" said Not-Silly, again stuffing himself with straw that just wouldn't stay inside of him.

"Well they didn't but we don't have far now" said Not-Spikes. "The question is how to get past those guards"  
"Indeed, indeed" said Fletcher, cuddling Bluebell, visibly terrified and clearly considering just running down the steep cliffs again. "Well, a spine isn't terribly important, bye-"

"Some Hufflepuff you are if you can't even find a sense of loyalty!" said Not-Silly and needed not hold Fletcher back for long for he was astonishingly proud for a wussy badger hugger.

"You have to find a way for us to get by the guards" said Not-Spikes. "A safe way!"  
"Alright" said Fletcher. "Why don't you just kill them with fire?"

"Don't be like that. Not-Silly can't think of a way because he has no brain and I can't think of a way that doesn't involve rushing to our death. Only you can think of a pacifistic way"

"Oh" Fletcher sighed. "What would Helga have done?"

Fletcher hopped over the wall with surprising ease for a chubby burrow dweller and just walked up to the nearest trio of guards. Not-Spikes and Not-Silly were quick to join him.

"Say, you must be awfully tired from all the marching!" said Fletcher to the guards. "Mind if we take over?"

"Not at all, thank you so much, how very kind of you!" replied the guards and removed their armours and left to have a smoking break. Not-Spikes put on his armour. He had to admit that Hufflepuffs weren't only a bunch of pushovers with no clearly defined traits and abilities, at least none of any practical value. Still he found asking the guards nicely a very unexciting way of getting past them but whatever.

"Shall we?" said Not-Silly and pulled his helmet over his woven hat. The portcullis was closing so they had to hurry to catch up with the guards that were already marching through it. When they were inside the tower they ran up the first stairs they saw, or rather, Fletcher ran up the first stairs he saw and Not-Spikes and Not-Silly just followed him to a locked door at the top of the tower.

"Doesn't this place have bathrooms?" complained Fletcher.

Not-Spikes used the armour maker's old wand to blast the door to pieces. Remus came to the doorframe with an hourglass.

"Oh no!" he said.

"Why 'oh no'?" asked Not-Spikes.

"The hourglass! You shouldn't have done that. You really should have asked first!"

"You're welcome…" muttered Not-Spikes.

"Just smash it" said Not-Silly. "Smash it and all will be fine"  
"I suppose it's worth a try"

Shards of glass and grains of sand shot in all directions when Remus threw the hourglass on the floor. Because neither the Wicked Reggie nor his broomstick was in this part of the tower, the four of them would just have to run back down the stairs and continue their search elsewhere. They were just about to escape through an exit on the ground floor when it shut itself before their pretty noses.

"Leaving so soon?" sneered the wicked Reggie.

The four turned around casually.

"No" said Remus. "Say, can we borrow your broomstick?"

"'Borrow my broomstick'? HA! Why would I lend you my broomstick?"

"The Headmaster wants to borrow it and I'm sure you can have it back when he's finished with it"

"I'm not giving you anything until I have those shoes!"

The Wicked Reggie raised a hand and produced a ball of fire.

"So… come along and ask for them, then" said Remus.

The wicked Reggie's mouth opened and closed a couple of times and he seemed generally unable to decide what to do with the fireball in his hand.  
"The Headmaster would never let me have a pair of powerful shoes for me to use for my wicked purposes" he said.

"He might if you come up with a verse about it" said Not-Silly, lighting a piece of straw in the fireball and smoking it. Fletcher took a straw that was sticking out through his sleeve and did the same. The Wicked Reggie put a finger to his lips pensively.

"A verse? Hm…"

The Wicked Reggie:

_If I had the ruby slippers_

_I'd be so very chippers_

_And wicked as a goose_

_The curses I would cast_

_It would simply be a blast_

_If I only had those shoes_

The wicked Reggie waved away the fireball.

"So would you really let me, a wicked Slytherin, come with you to the Headmaster?"

"Yeah, would we really?" whispered Fletcher and turned to Not-Spikes for support.

"I say" said Not-Spikes, slightly mesmerized by the wicked Reggie's shiny _Defying Gravity 1939. _"Wicked or not, anybody who sings and dances can't be an entirely miserable git"

The wicked Reggie beamed but still kept a slight distance when he followed the others to the Half-Moon City.


	11. To Find Depravity

CHAPTER 11: TO FIND DEPRAVITY

The wicked Reggie had never seen the Headmaster before and he had hoped he wouldn't have to do any talking. Instead he had to go up first to the hovering and slightly anxiety triggering head.

"You can borrow my _Defying Gravity 1939 _if you want" he said with a bow.

"Oh" said the Headmaster, surprised. "How very kind of you. Just… put it on the floor there, please"  
The wicked Reggie did so and stepped back.

"Now we want our stuff" said Not-Silly.

"Well, you have proven yourselves very worthy" said the Headmaster. "But I'm just a floating head. I can't do much"  
"But you promised!" said Remus.

"Calm _down _I'm just _joking!"_

The curtains of a screen that the wicked Reggie hadn't noticed before parted and an old wizard in purple robes stepped through them.

"I'd give you all a brain, heart and spine if you didn't possess them already! Scarecrow, you had wits enough to know the hourglass could just be smashed. Suit of Armour Man, you let a wicked Slytherin come along on your quest although you don't trust wicked Slytherins and are so afraid of snakes! And Fletcher, why, you must have some real courage or you wouldn't have come this far!"

"I do?" said Fletcher, wide eyed.

"I'd still like a brain in a jar" said Not-Silly.

"Alright one moment"

The Headmaster left to fetch a pickled brain as well as a pickled heart and a pickled spine.

"Now then" he said to the wicked Reggie when he had delivered the rewards. "What can I offer you?"

The wicked Reggie fondled his cuffs nervously.

"I'd really like those ruby slippers" he mumbled.

"Oh… I'm afraid I can't offer _those _slippers. But wouldn't you much prefer a pair of _silver _slippers?"

The Headmaster transformed the wicked Reggie's slick boots into silver pumps with a hand wave. They were uncomfortable but so beautiful and the wicked Reggie could feel himself be filled with properly wicked power.

The Headmaster turned to Remus last.

"And you want to go back to Hogwarts, correct? You're in luck because I am going there right now in my hot air balloon!"

The wicked Reggie was so happy with his new shoes he had to jump and cracks formed in the floor.

"Calm yourself, ok?" said the Not-Silly.

(Melody: _Defying Gravity _from _Wicked._)

Not-Silly:

_I hope you're happy_

_I hope you're happy now_

_I hope you're happy how you sealed your feet forever_

_You won't get those off ever_

The Wicked Reggie:

_I hope you're happy_

_I hope you're happy, too_

_I hope you really like your squishy brainy pickle_

_And giving it a tickle_

Both:

_So though I can imagine how _

_I hope you're happy right now_

Not-Silly:

Listen to me. Those shoes are just horrible.

_You can still be very wicked_

_And without those sparkly pumps_

_And be as cruel you've ever wanted_

The Wicked Reggie:

I know

_But I just want them_

_Yes, I do want them_

_And what's more_

_I'm feeling a change within me_

_Now I am not the same_

_I'm through with waiting to be cruel_

_It's time to up the game_

_Too late to retract wishes_

_Too late to regret the pumps_

_It's time to be a villain_

_Close my eyes and jump_

_It's time to try_

_To find depravity_

_I'll always try_

_To find depravity_

_And you can't change my mind_

Not-Silly:

_Can I make you understand?_

_You're wearing the shoes of the drag queens_

The Wicked Reggie:

_I'm through being called a sissy_

_Can really take no more_

_Some say I cannot change_

_But I must try to know for sure_

_Too long I've been afraid of_

_Doing bad to good and un-pure_

_But with these shoes_

_I'll do worse than ever before_

_You cannot buy_

_This kind of depravity_

_Or put a price_

_On this kind of depravity_

_And you can't change my mind_

The Wicked Reggie:

Not-Silly, although you're just a scarecrow I have no previous history with, you just give off this vibe of being…

_Malevolent_

_You and I are malevolent_

_Together we're the most wicked pair_

_With awesome hair, Scarecrow_

_It has lots of power_

Not-Silly:

_We don't need to shower_

Both:

_There's no good we can't make bad_

'_Cause you and I_

_Can't fight depravity_

_For you and I_

_Can't fight depravity_

_The Wicked Reggie:_

_They'll never change our mind_

So what do you say?

Not-Silly:

_I hope you're happy_

_Now that you chose those shoes_

The Wicked Reggie:

You too

_I have nothing to lose_

Both:

_I really hope you make it_

_And will not have to fake it_

_I hope you're happy as a rudd_

_I hope you're happy, my blud_

The Wicked Reggie:

_So if you care to find me_

_Look to the stars above_

_I will enjoy this greatly_

_Serving evil I will learn to love_

_And I'll be killing mudbloods_

_And I'll be killing squibs_

_To those who doubt me_

_There's no need to tell them fibs_

_Tell them how I will find depravity_

_I'm flying high to find depravity_

_And soon they won't believe my crimes_

_And no one in Half-Moon City_

_No Headmaster especially_

_Is ever gonna change my mind_

Not-Silly:

_I hope you're happy_

Random Towns People That Just Came Barging In Just Now:

_Look at him he's wicked, get him_

_No one likes the wicked_

_So we've got to change his mind_


	12. Good Bye Yellow Gum Road

CHAPTER 12: GOODBYE YELLOW GUM ROAD

There was much rejoicing in Half-Moon City that day. The town's people gathered on the square to wave off the Headmaster and wish him a bon voyage (if they were French, the rest just wished nobody would disturb the dead now). The Headmaster was ready to empty the sandbags on his air balloon which was in fact fuelled by helium and not hot air. Remus stood beside him with Bluebell in his arms, just like in his prophetic vision.

"Well, off we go then" said the Headmaster and tugged at some ropes.

A carrot vender with a cart full of carrots squeezed through the crowd, shouting about carrots being half price only. Bluebell jumped out of Remus's arms, intent on getting half price carrots for free.

"You just had carrots!" yelled Remus and climbed out of the basket to get Bluebell away from the carrots before the carrot vender decided to try a more violent method to achieve the same end result. When he finally got hold of Bluebell, the balloon was already flying away.

"I don't know how to stop it!" yelled the Headmaster as he drifted into realms of the sky where he could no longer be seen.

"Typical" Remus sighed."Well, if you have to be stuck someplace it might as well be here"  
"So it's not such a big deal, then?" asked Not-Silly, who had squeezed through the crowd along with Not-Spikes and Fletcher.

"No. It's probably for the best"

A giant gumball squeezed through the crowd and just hovered midair until Remus burst it with an unfiled nail. Mintiness hit him in the face like a gust of wind. Roy landed with his bum on his fairy wand.

"Yay for it is I" he moaned and got up again. "Why are you still here? I thought you wanted to go back to Hogwarts"  
"I just missed the air balloon, but it's fine, I like this place"  
"Oh… But didn't I mention? Do you mind…?" Roy put the pieces of his wand together and waited for Remus to duct-tape them together. "Thanks. But didn't I mention that you have had the power to leave _all along_?"

"No"

"The shoes! Oh, but I couldn't tell you. You had to find out for yourself"

"But you _just _told me-"

"All you have to do is tap your shoes together three times and say: There's no place like Hogwarts"  
"So when you said you didn't know, you were actually lying"

"Erm, yes, technically by definition, although I'm not sure those were my exact words…"

"So, all I have to do is tap the shoes together and say that line? And Bluebell will come too?"

Roy scratched Bluebell under his chin.

"I'm afraid Bluebell will have to stay here. He will have all the carrots he can eat"

Remus had sort of seen it coming but he had still hoped.

"I see. Well, good bye Bluebell" he said and gave the rabbit to Not-Silly. "Bye guys, I'll miss you, Not-Silly more than the rest of you-"

"Rude!" said Fletcher. "That's kind of unbelievable, considering that Makeover song where he dissed you completely

After stroking Bluebell over the ears one last time, Remus tapped the shoes together and said the line three times and felt himself becoming increasingly sleepier.


	13. Dream A Little Dream

CHAPTER 13: DREAM A LITTLE DREAM

Something kept poking Remus in the eyes and when he opened them he got mascara in his sockets.

"Good afternoon try not to blink too much" said Sirius, attacking him with a mascara brush. Remus waved it away like an invasive fly and sat up. He saw that he was in the hospital wing but had no recollection of how he had gotten there, which could be a sign of dreaming… He counted his fingers but they were only ten. It could have been a dream because he often had hospital wing related dreams and they became lucid often just because he really wanted to get out of them.

"It's quarter past four, Saturday, March 14" said James. "You've been in a coma for a week because roofie potion reacted badly with your meds. Or tea. Or both"

"It was the lemon" said Sirius.

"Oh. Only a week" said Remus but feeling like it had been less than a day.

"Yeah well could have been longer but we wanted to try something" said James.  
"And I was having the most wonderful dream. None of you were in it"

"Who were in it?" asked Peter.

Sirius capped the mascara brush.

"Smash it" he said. "You kept mumbling '_smash it'"_

"Really?" said Remus, recalling nothing of the sort.

"Did you do any smashing?"

"No"

Well sick of the hospital wing already and astonishingly unaffected by the weeklong coma, because magical healthcare was just great that way, Remus kicked off the duvet and found to his great shock that he was wearing ruby pumps.

"The ruby slippers!" he gasped.

"Yeah I don't know why Padfoot wants to turn you into Cas" said James. "It's kind of weird"

"So they're… not magical in any way?"

"They fit all sizes but that's about it" said Sirius.

The memory of the strange musical dream washed over Remus like a monsoon and he recalled both the hourglass and the smashing and he dashed out of the hospital wing faster than a rat from an aqueduct and not even taking the ruby pumps off.


End file.
